Sibling Rivalry: What Happens to Me When My Children Fight?

What happens to me when my children fight is a very important question. For many of us our breathing, muscles, thoughts, emotions, and even our self image can be affected, and at times deeply affected. As parents, we may feel agitated and anxious over our children’s fighting with each other. At times we may feel a sense of disappointment in both ourselves and our children, when they are not “getting along better”. We may have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and/or our children.

By understanding the complexity of “sibling rivalry”, we can create more realistic expectations of ourselves and our children. Woven within sibling rivalry is your child’s deep love for you and her/his desperate wish to be your “favored” child.

In your mind’s eye remember how your child tenaciously held onto his “blankie” or favorite stuffed animal. Now consider the fact that your child’s love for you is even more tenacious, their love for you is greater than you can ever imagine. Their love is woven with their want to survive, thrive, love and be loved as your “most precious child”. Woven within their jealousy for their sibling they are somehow saying, or possibly screaming “see me, touch me, hear me” as “your” most precious child. Jealousy can overthrow us as adults! Imagine experiencing these strong emotions as a little one who desperately loves and who desperately wants to be the sole object of his parent’s love, and sees his sibling as getting in the way of receiving Mommy or Daddy’s love!

“The very nature of family life has built in disadvantages for brothers and sisters. Each child wants the exclusive attention of each parent; he/she wants to be BEST LOVED. This wish makes jealousy inevitable”. Dorothy Corkille Briggs, 1970.

Sibling rivalry is a “given” in families and our rivalries can be reduced.
* Practice loving your children uniquely, rather than “trying” to love them equally.
*Spend time alone with each child, seeing your child, hearing what she says, giving
eye contact, your loving touch, using his name as “only you” can.
* Rather than insist on sharing, let children take turns, using a clock/timer to keep track of time.
* Describe your child’s unique qualities. Avoid comparisons.
* Explain differences are not good or bad but simply different.
* Generally it works better if parents keep out of most fights between children who can stand up for themselves.
* If a child is getting physically hurt by a sibling, immediate action must be taken.
* Unless there is a clear and flagrant foul, avoid taking sides and refuse to listen to arguments.
* Show your children you trust them to work out their differences, and know there will be differences.

Remember your intention is to communicate that your love is So Big, you can love each of your children as precious. As parents we continually renew our own practice in making our love greater than our upset over sibling rivalries..

Inspiration for this article was gleaned from Fred Rodgers, and Robert Needleman, M.D.

Marge Nocton-Barr, MS, CRS, has a private practice in Professional Counseling of Individuals, Couples and Families at 62 North Church Street in Doylestown, PA, 215-230-7121.

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